mandatory shift

now playing: dan fogelberg, "gypsy wind"

i need to do something to change direction, soon. i have two gigs this weekend that i'd much rather go enjoy playing than play in the state of mind i'm currently in. i'm on the verge of being ready to break shit at this point.

this whole thing is the result of failing to plan for the possibility of someone not doing their fucking job. i just bought a replacement for my van, which is in failing health and being retired from daily driver status, and applied for a routine loan from my 401K funds to cover it. this was three weeks ago, and i should've had the money two weeks ago, and i've said things to people on the phone in the last few days that i wouldn't say to my worst enemy - complete strangers who are just trying to get through their day and earn a paycheck, but who find themselves in the unenviable position of being on the receiving end of my wrath.

meanwhile, though, there's one of the nicest guys you'd ever hope to meet whos' been waiting for money that was promised to him by a certain date, sitting on the other end of this transaction and, through no fault of his own, becoming less and less of a nice guy with every day that passes without his money. people sell things for reasons, and this case is no exception. i made a commitment to buy this vehicle, with resources that are rightfully mine, and who looks like the asshole here? me.

and, what with my need for approval and not-even-remotely-subconscious desire for people to like me, this is fuckin' me up. i shouldn't really care what this guy thinks of me, i'll have no reason to connect with him ever again after this is over, but it's important to me that i make this right. no, it's not my fault that i'm being jerked around, but as much as it's not my fault, it's not his problem.

this, combined with the cumulative stress of sharing one vehicle amongst all the tasks and motives that drive a houseful of people on any given day, well....i've fuckin' had it, man.

but i need to snap out of this. i don't think for a minute that it's 100 percent about the money or the van or the carpool situation, but it's the dominant boot that resides on my adams' apple at the moment.

got a nice email from jodi today, whos' totally ready to get started on her record. that should prove to be a nice diversion...none of my bands are working at all the first three weeks of november, so that should be a good place to get started.

i have web work dripping outta various body cavities, too, including some stuff that i don't know how to do yet. thank God the world series will be over this weekend. i'm suffering from a total lack of ability to concentrate on anything else right now, when i'm home in the evenings....

how pathetic is that?

oh, and i must publicly admit that i brazenly stole the "now playing" concept from one of the blogs that i'm linked to. it seems like such a natural thing to include for someone who has music playing from various sources every waking hour of their day. i'm thinking right now that maybe i should go back and listen to gypsy wind over and over again, but face the fire is on now, and that's my "close my eyes and pretend i'm playing the guitar solo in front of a huge darkened crowd of people" song. i usually only take the time to learn solos note for note if it's a song that i'm conceivably going to be playing with one of the bands i'm in, or something of that nature...and sometimes, i don't even learn those note for note. (one area where i plan to make up for that is copping some of the george marinelli solos from charlie degenhart's first record. they're just too good not to play them faithfully.) that guitar outro on that fogelberg song, though, is a hell of a solo. and i learned it without the usual downloaded educational aids, too.

so, i'm hoping that something happens in my favor with regard to my primary source of preoccupation so that i can find some motivation to enjoy these gigs this weekend...it'd suck not to.